The truth can be very difficult to tolerate. We all live in worlds where we hear only what we want to hear, even when it’s being screamed in our face. So why has it taken this long for me to truly appreciate what’s been said?
I know that I’ve had a lot to deal with since being unemployed. Not physically, but my emotional and mental state has been in the absolute shitter. It took me five months to be able to clean the house and enjoy it; five and a half to be able to use the vacuum cleaner without being reminded of a certain client; and it’s only now that I feel I’ve got a better hold of my anxiety.
Five months. Five flippen months! And I know why now.
I was holding onto the shit from my old job, blaming them. I blamed them for the massive weight gain from last year. I blamed them for my anxiety attacks, for my desire to drive the car off cliffs at the end of shifts. I blamed them for so so much. But at the end of the day, it’s taken me five months to truly realise that it’s my own fault. I really want to say it with a Welsh accent, “It’s your own bloody fault now, innit?!” Definitely been watching too much Torchwood.
The anxiety comes from when I feel like I’m not in control. That I’m slowly trying to handle. It doesn’t come often, but when it does it’s like being slapped in the face by your own reality. A cloud gathers over your mind, paranoia creeps in, your body begins to shake, and you just want to go home. Because home is safe.
The weight gain, that’s another story. A big long story I wont go into too much detail over. There are so many factors playing a part in the gain, it’s annoying. But I’ve been off work now for five months, and became scared of going to the gym because my personal trainer was, well, scary. Seriously, I’ve never met someone so full on obsessed with training!
Now, I think I’ve worked through enough shit that I’m going to try and do the gym thing again. Oh my gods. Just going to make sure it’s in the morning so I don’t run into the PT from Hell!
Two years ago I participated in a wonderful workshop in Sydney. Loved every moment of it, really opened my eyes to a lot that I didn’t know could be achieved within the Craft (the joys of being a solitary). Now the words of Pan are ringing in my ears again. Don’t be scared. You do not know everything you think you know.
I’ve been hanging onto so much crap, I’m amazed I can still breathe. But I read my cards this afternoon, and he popped up again. Aphrodite appeared twice. They’re really pushing that, in order for me to move forward, I have to start believing in myself again. Believing that I’m beautiful, that I’m worthy, that I deserve all the happiness the universe has to offer.
Hades came to tell me, not exactly with these words, but to pull my head out of my arse. That what happened last time I was off for a long period of time unemployed is beginning again. I’m becoming comfortable, I’m blaming everyone and anything else for what is really my own doing.
Now that’s a horrible realisation to come to!
So, it’s time to pull my head out of my arse. I am my own worst enemy, and now I need to become my own best friend.
But it’s not all for naught. I got a phone call from M today saying I’ve got a three week stint in his office as relief for his colleage who’s going away for three weeks. Yay!
I accept all the wonderful the things the universe has install for me.