Around the Cauldron · Pagan Blog Project 2014

inFertility, or “When your ovaries don’t want to work”

pregnant-earthIf you were to google “witchcraft and fertility” page one is full of spells. Spells with whole eggs, with crushed eggs; spells with candles, with coins, with menstrual blood and with sperm. Spells with shivra lingam stones, spells for general fertility and to fall pregnant (I see a difference because of hormones – being fertile can bring a nice hormonal balance!) Oh! And wee!

I’m not going to bag out any of the spells on offer, because a) I haven’t tried them; and b) this isn’t what this post is about, mixed with a very personal touch.

Fertility can be a very touchy subject to a few of us that, for whatever reason, can’t fall pregnant. I guess this post will be the “what to do before you attempt spell craft” and getting out all the taboos of infertility in general.

Personally, I’m fat. This mixed with PCOS, an unrelated thyroid condition and having a very VERY difficult time attempting to lose weight (just can’t get under 1x0kg) are my reasons.

First and foremost, my ovaries just don’t want to work at the moment. If you too are in this situation, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. This is one of the most annoying of all the taboos out there for us. Not being able to have kids is not the end of the world, and yes it did take me over a year before I could finally say those words. Take your time, process the information, and look at your options.

People put so much pressure on us having kids. It’s one of the three main questions you get asked as a woman.

“Why are you still single?”

Or if you’re in a relationship, “When are you going to get married?”

Or, if you are married, “When are you going to have kids?”

Why is there a pressure for us to have children? What if you don’t want them or want to focus on career? What if you can fall pregnant but have never wanted to be a mum? What if you can fall pregnant but are not in the financial or home situation to look after the child? What if, what if what if? And to those who have kids, did anyone ever ask you, “so why did you do that?”

And how often can you hear “if it’s meant to happen, it’ll happen”? How many times can you smile and be polite when it comes up in conversation, give a response and the person opposite gives you those sad puppy dog eyes with a reach out touch and says, “Oh my god, I’m so sorry”?

Please, fertile people. Don’t do that. Ever. To anyone.

When I first found out that kids were pretty much out of the question (and that I carry Strep B, so if I CAN fall pregnant I’ve got to make sure I do everything right so it survives in the womb…awesome…) it was heart wrenching. We had been trying for a while and it’s very hard to be the one person who isn’t while it feels like everyone around you is falling pregnant. One after another, baby pictures after baby pictures on facebook. Sure, the mum’s all think it’s cute, but in my early-news-days it was a constant reminder and a kick in the teeth of what I may never be able to experience. (Now, I’m fine – I love seeing baby photos, especially of my three nieces interstate!)

I want to be a mum. I’d love to be a mum and after inserting a snide inside-joke that only some people will get, I know I’ll be a great mum! After a good year of feeling sorry for myself, the muggle and I spoke about becoming foster parents (which we’re definitely going to do once we’ve settled down in the one spot). Then we spoke about adoption and if we fill out the papers now we might be accepted in several years time. Then we read about IVF and I got freaked out about the process and ruled that out.

So you can’t have kids and you want to try spell craft. Awesome! Have you seen your family doctor? Is there a medical reason behind it all? What else can you do?

IVF - the procedure itself freaks me out.
IVF – the procedure of removing the eggs freaks me out. Otherwise we’d give it a go!

Here are the questions everyone will eventually ask you multiple times…
– Do you know why you can’t fall pregnant? Have you tried alternative medicine?
– Have you thought of the other options? Foster care or adoption?
– Do they have to have spent time in your own uterus, or are you okay with bringing up a child that you can love, adore, cherish and help grow into a beautiful person but didn’t carry?
– Have you considered IVF? Are you like us and can’t afford IVF? Or, are you like me and the thought of going through that process scares the absolute shit out of you? (otherwise we’d probably try it)

If you are determined to have your own kids and you understand why your body is having “issues”, then try any of the number of fertility spells out there. Or do what I tried and make up your own. Don’t be shy, and don’t feel bad about your situation. Society, friends and family will unknowingly bring you down about this. They won’t mean to, but they will because they won’t know how to react, won’t know what to say, and will try very VERY hard to phrase things to not upset you.

Charlie is my furr baby
Charlie is my furr baby

In the early days, everything will be upsetting. Spending Christmas with your family and all the cousins are talking about what car boot is the best to get a pram in and out will make you want to run out of the house crying (but I didn’t, I just grabbed onto my muggle’s hand for dear life and distracted myself watching my niece being her gorgeous little self!)

The option I’ve currently taken is furr babies. My cat Charlie is my baby (and most likely my muggle’s familiar, not that he believes in any of that). I know all of Charlie’s meows, from him being a shit to “Mummy, Daddy shut the back door and I want to go outside to poop because I’m too good for the litter tray.” Furr Babies can be a wonderful addition to your family, and it honestly gives me that nurturing feeling I need. Like when he got covered in motor oil and my maternal instincts kicked in. Need a cuddle? Pick up Charlie, and give him a cuddle until he squirms out. The one weird thing we have going on is his uncanny knack of falling asleep on me right when I need to get up to use the bathroom…

Can’t have kids? You’re not alone.

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14 thoughts on “inFertility, or “When your ovaries don’t want to work”

      1. I used to get it all the time until I thought of a clever retort to say which stopped them in their tracks…I feel its quite invasive for people to project society’s pressure on you with regards to marriage kids etc…

    1. I’m incredibly opinionated! And if I’m one of those 1%’s who can write about a topic in a way that will get people to challenge their view of accepted normal, then that’s what I’ll do. I looked at the F options at the pbp site and ‘fertility’ was one of them. Well, can’t write about being fertile, so I’ll write about being on the other side of the fence!

  1. I’ve struggled with infertility as well. I went to the doc and he basically said that I didn’t ovulate because I was too fat. And I’ve gotten to that point where Facebook is nothing but baby pictures and mommy posts.

    I absolutely related to this post, and I’m so thankful that you wrote it. Stay strong!

    1. You’re welcome!!

      I’ll probably need to lose close on 90lb to become fertile. I lost 20lb, then my body just wouldn’t lose any more.

      And yet I remember a news report of a woman bigger than me falling pregnant without realising it! She had the baby on the toilet!!

      Luck of the draw, maybe?

      1. I’ve seen those shows, and I asked my doctor that same question… All he said was “It’s just depends on the woman.”

        Well, thanks? That makes it all better, huh?

        I’ve managed to lose 30 pounds, and I started get my cycle on a regular basis, but I also have a shady diagnosis of PCOS (although I’ve never been treated and no one ever saw any cysts), so I’m still nervous…

        But I’m not planning on trying for another couple of years.. It’s still on my mind constantly. It’s soooo conditioned.

      2. I know!! I honestly thought I wouldn’t have a problem. I remember my mothers words, “Your father just had to look at me and I felt pregnant!” but apparently my nan had trouble and since I take after her…yay for hereditary!

        I think that’s why I’m determined to break moulds. I’m fat, get over it. I’m overly opinionated, get over it. etc. Mainstream is just so…bleh! Why do we all have to do the same thing, be the same way?!

        I’m at university now with five more years to go – I’m not in any hurry anymore! Almost 30, muggle will produce til he’s dead, we’re good!

  2. Thank you for this post! I also have PCOS something fierce, plus I have an assortment of neurological shenanigans which are at least partially genetic, which makes me reluctant to have biological children even if they were an option. (Plus, one of my neuro issues is Aspergers, which makes the whole finding a partner thing tricky in itself.)

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