In a moment of despair, I called out to the Old Gods. Of late I’ve been disconnected, confused, trapped…the list goes on.
Words like “Pagan”, “Witch”, “Druid”…they’ve become just words to me of late. Right now, they have no meaning behind them for me. With so many definitions of those words flying around, they’ve lost their meaning to me. Or maybe, being Samhain, it’s time for me to leave those words behind.
I’m finding I’ve reached a point where I’m ready to either redefine who I am, or throw all definitions and titles to the wind. Do these words matter? Not to me. They are a word, which becomes confining, choking the hold I have on myself. Why? Because my mind makes it happen. I’ve no idea why, but that’s how I seem to operate.
I’ve been told countless times that I’m not a “Witch” because I don’t practice spellcraft. I don’t anoint candles with oils, or mark them with a ritual blade. I don’t cast circles or smudge the area before working. Why? It has no meaning for me. I don’t feel it necessary. When I do practice, I practice outdoors. I have the wind to cleanse a space, and if I don’t like the energy of the land, I don’t stand there. I don’t need candles for any purpose, when I can close my eyes and look up to the sun (closing the eyes here is very important!) and feel the warmth coming down on me.
But, alas, I haven’t been doing much of that either, of late. The joy of having a massive back yard has come to a stand still as our landlords are yet to mow the lawns. Then there was the blocked drains, and sewerage coming up from the outside dunny.
Right at the beginning of the path to the backyard.
Yet even now as I read over my words, they are all excuses. I’m feeling the need to withdraw from the online community, where questions asked by others make me doubt my own beliefs. Are my beliefs wrong? Are theirs right? Does not being able to sit under my favourite oak tree make me less of a Druid?
Does it even matter?
So this Samhain, I cast out the negative belief system that I’ve allowed to run rampant over my mind. My beliefs are my own, and I need to stand by them. I am worthy of my own set of beliefs. I am worthy of my own opinion. I am worthy of the love of the Old Gods. I am worthy of a healthy body. I am worthy of a fertile body. I am worthy of self respect.
Boudica, Queen of the Icini, hear my call!
Join with me, and help me win this battle
against my negative ego!
Lend me your strength so that I may overcome this challenge,
and not quit until the battle is won!
Tonight I made my first real “power piece” necklace. I’ve been wanting to do some form of magick, but given what I’ve said above, I’m not your normal…whatever I am. Tonight, my magick came through as a necklace.
I’ve been drawn to red lately. It just seems to be such a strong, dominating colour! Calling upon Boudicia for the final steps of it, I wrapped a simple pentacle pendant with red wire, then added beads of Jet (Black Amber) and Coral (which could be red dyed howlite, not sure). This is my power piece. To bring myself power as I battle myself for control of myself, and to honour Boudicia so that she may lend me her strength.
Black for ash as she brought her army and burned Londonium to the ground, and red for the blood that was spilt in vengeance.