Around the Cauldron

Trapped

(Ignore what she’s doing in the video, just listen to the lyrics. I’m a bit disappointed she made the video about a guy. So cliché!)

I’m considering going back to basics. Of late I’m feeling so disconnected. Since moving, it’s been for better and worse. I’ve got a fantastic kitchen now with bench space (didn’t have that at the old place) but I don’t have room in the bedroom for my altar like I used to. I think that’s been the biggest thing. At our old place, everything was opposite me in bed. I could fall asleep feeling the energies of the crystals, of the magick. I could do little things of honour, too. Light a candle, choose a different crystal to put in my pillowcase of a night.

It’s getting frustrating, more and more with every move, as it’s more and more of relearning the energies. We have a massive back yard, and in the summer when the grass was dead I would go out to the beautiful oak trees and just…be. We moved in at the end of October, and the landlord hasn’t bothered to cut the grass, and on that side of the mini fence is up to them. It’s so overgrown, you can’t see where the holes in the ground are, and it’s scary. I’m itching to go back there, to be with my tree, but it’s too dangerous.

I’ve tried to do a few different rituals out the back, one with my Druid-Newbie housemate, and we got attacked by mosquitos. And that was with organic aeroguard and citronella candles.

I haven’t read my cards in quite a while. As much as I want to, there hasn’t been a real need for them. I know the answers that I want to ask, and the answers all have to do with patience and/or getting my bum into gear. I’ve got a few new decks to play with, including the gorgeous Australian Wildflower Oracle, but the calling isn’t there at the moment.

And when I do, I can guarantee you my Muggle will interrupt me shuffling. He always does without realising it. He’ll call out, or ask a question, or do something completely adorable and then CLICK my attention is elsewhere. It’s like when I go to read. If he’s out of the bedroom for a while of a night, the moment I go to pick up my book to read while I wait for him to come back to bed, he’ll walk through the bedroom door.

I want to go back to basics. I wish I could snap my fingers and go to the You Yangs National Park near where I grew up. I had a favourite spot, a few minutes walk into the scrub once you left the Great Circle Drive. Sadly, my favourite spot now has a BMX track right through it. Maybe I could go back in time then, too. I’m yet to really find “my place” here in Sydney. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of gorgeous parks, but for some reason I just can’t connect in heavily manicured areas. The more natural the location, the better for me. Otherwise there’s just too much competing energy, mainly human. I know I can pick up on energy, but it’s normally picking up on people in close proximity to me.

I want to remember the joy I had when I first came to this path – that ultimate naïve joy that came with learning everything I could get my hands on. Now that I have a sense of self, I’m a tad more picky. I can see where authors and people are pulling fluff out of their behinds, and know what books to leave at a distance. I have found my ways of doing things, but since I haven’t found a place of my own to connect to and practice…I’m feeling lost. I’m enjoying memories of the years spent as an Ocean Witch, dancing in the waves beneath the full moon at mid-night. It’s too dangerous to be doing that here in Sydney. I don’t want to get stabbed, or mugged, or attacked in some form.

I miss it. I miss feeling the salt air on my skin, caressing me as the sand moves between my toes and the waves wash over my feet, welcoming me home. I need the water – it balances the overpowering and often smothering fire within.

I know I go through this every now and then. This feeling of lost identity, trying to rediscover who I am. I guess I’ve just changed so much, what I once held dear is no longer there. I need to find that place of joy again.

I love Sydney, but sometimes I feel so trapped.

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