This calendar year of 2019 is all evolving around the theme of “patience” for me. As I mentioned in my previous post, in 12 months I’ve had two psychologists (in essence) throw their hands up with an inability to assist me with my problems, and I’ve had three weight loss surgical consultations in the same period because, again, why should that be easy.
Since DruidCamp, since diving back into the beginning Gwers of the OBOD Bardic Grade, I’m taking a new approach to this theme of “patience” because if one more person tells me to be patient I will hit someone.
It took me five years to come to terms with the fact that I need surgery to assist me with weight loss. Since stuffing my knee in 2010 and gaining 40kg working in Aged Care, I’ve never been able to get it off despite eating healthy, seeing personal trainers, nutritionists, dieticians, aquarobics, gym visits, protein shakes… Having PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) doesn’t help as it comes with its own joys – insulin resistance, hypothyroid, having to constantly battle with myself for the motivation because PMDD rips everything joyful and ecstatic from your life.
Cerridwen had to allow the cauldron of Awen to brew for a year and a day before she could possibly gift it to Affagdu. She had to collect herbs and roots, flowers and leaves at certain times of the day, during certain moon phases. This theme of “a year and a day” is so common amongst many aspects of our path, I’m annoyed at myself for not picking it up sooner.
Given that it’s almost been twelve months exactly between first asking my GP for a referral for weight loss surgery, and for asking to begin testosterone, this journey is my “year and a day”. A prolonged year and a day, but the message is there. As I’m someone who likes to do things immediately, this has been a wonderful learning curve despite the frustrations it’s brought.
But! How are my frustrations any different to those for Cerridwen? How are mine any different to the knowing that certain things must happen at certain times for the Awen to be brewed correctly? I need to still swim, and go to the gym. I still need to eat healthy. I’ll be returning to the pool and gym once my midgie bites from camp disappear as I resemble an ice addict at the moment (over 100 bites on four limbs and given my town’s drug reputation, I don’t want to be associated with it).
Admittedly our outcomes will be different – while Affagdu didn’t get to acquire the Awen, I will get to acquire the surgery on my 35th birthday. I can then begin the next phase of my journey in becoming Rowan, as once I’ve reached my ideal frame I can then get my referral for a double mastectomy. Once I’m no longer “at risk of blood clotting” I’ll be able to begin testosterone.
On my 35th birthday I will begin the journey that Gwion took to become Taliesin – I will change, I will morph my being, and I will be reborn, immerging from the leather bag in the river as the person I was destined to be.
This is a much better way of looking at it all than “be patient”, don’t you think?