Well the voices fall like timber and the fear it pours like rain
And my heart is crushed to cinders underneath this kind of pain
Well there is no resolution when the revolution’s dead
So I’m left with no solution for the voices in my head
~ Hanson, When You’re Gone
This has been a bad week.
I have Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, which is a severe form of PMS. You think getting weepy and grumpy is bad? Try being one of the 3-8% of females world-wide that get anxiety, suicidal and are sometimes hospitalised from this. Thankfully due to my years struggling with major depression (MDD) I understand that my brain is full of shit. Sadly that doesn’t stop the visual bullshit that my mind plays on repeat. I ran out from work on Wednesday, cried and screamed the drive home. My Muggle was wonderful, and just sat with me and helped me through it. He’s been through depression in his younger days too, so he gets it.
There was too many people on site. I couldn’t escape to be on my own. Not at my desk, not out the front, not out the back on the balcony, not even in the ladies toilets. I finally found somewhere to be alone (while freaking out on the phone to my husband, he was talking me through it and trying to calm the anxiety down) and then someone entered my space. Home is safe. The bedroom is my safe place.
Given how late it was before my brain would let me sleep, I didn’t go to work yesterday. Once the paranoia disappeared, I could no longer ignore the pull to my study and my altar. I didn’t celebrate the Blood Moon this month. Partly because of the cloud cover, mainly because of PMDD, but there were a few things I needed to do.
There are a few Pagan-esque things that work for me and help take the edge off when I’m like this. I have a citrine necklace by Forest Spirit Jewelery that becomes a life line. Even if it’s just to hold and play with when the anxiety comes through, citrine is one stone that I find really helps me through it all. And now that it’s coming out of winter-glove season, I can go back to wearing a ring that has a similar quality to it. It’s obsidian, prehnite and clear quartz.
If you like sprays, Stacy Demarco from The Modern Witch has two that I find very effective and I’ve become a little obsessed with. It’s a new ritual at work. I spray the Banish to clear the space once I get in, go to the bathroom, then spray Empower on myself and my area afterwards.
I’ve also begun carrying around a little pouch. I’m not sure if these are common place, but it’s something I first created a few months ago to assist a work colleage. It’s great and unobtrusive in that if you’re not out of the broom closet, or if you are selective about jewellery etc. it can be carried on your person without drawing attention.
The “All Intents and Purposes” Pouch
The pouch can vary in size, but mine is 2”x2”. I got two pieces of material in a colour that is representative of me. You could get a long rectangle and fold over, which might help when it comes to stitching it shut. It’s actually easier, and if you want to cut the final edge when you’re about to stitch the sides you can.
On one side I have embroided my sigil, and on the other I have embroided a sigil that I created for the intended purpose. Be creative with what you want here. Sigils, runes, words, etc. Use a thread colour that you feel either suits the situation, or one that works with the colour of the material.
Mix up a blend of herbs and oils that have properties suited to the situation, with intention and purpose, and charge by the full moon and a few stones that give meaning to it all.
Pin three sides of the material and begin to stitch around the edges. When you’re left with a singular opening, carefully put your blend in and finish the stitching.
I never photograph these for obvious reasons. They’re really simple to make, even if you aren’t great with hand sewing. If you don’t want to embroider sigils, you can draw them on with a marker. I use blanket stitch because it’s the easiest, it’s very effective, and I love the look of it. Material can be bought in small sections now in the Quilting areas of department stores (I bought my material from Big W!) for $3. I used a small section of it, leaving heaps left to use for future projects.