I have been looking forward to an event called “Embrace the Dark Side” (thank-you Darrell for organising it!) I have slightly blogged about it before, and I was going to confront the darker aspect of myself and work through my shit. I thought the eclipse was happening this evening, and I was preparing myself to do something tonight. I was going to tell my muggle to leave me be, and I was going to confront myself.
But alas, the eclipse was in the morning, and I was at work. I saw it happen on the internet, as rain clouds have taken over Sydney’s skies today.
I’m still thinking of doing something tonight, but I feel the need to write down what just happened.
I work on a construction site. It’s rarely quiet here. Amongst the sounds of metal clashing on metal, trucks beeping, men shouting, and welders sparking, I locked myself in the shower “room” of the women’s toilets, turned up Loreena McKennitt on my iPod and shut out the world around me.
I found tuning into the energy of the eclipse quite full on. I’ve never felt energy like that before. I felt enormous pressure on the front of my shoulders (above my boobs, on the other side of my shoulder blades) and as I tuned in, words seemed to be…full. It’s the only way I can describe it. My higher self began talking to me, and I released gunk, and said affirmation after affirmation, released more gunk. And the words felt full. I felt as though my neck was swelling, as though my tongue should be huge and swollen, and talking should’ve been difficult.
I called in Herne for assistance, to help me push through this. Part of me wanted to stop, part of me had been waiting to hear this. Intuition told me to pour it all out, so I pushed it into a ball of energy. It pulsated between my hands. All the hatred that I’m still carrying towards myself, my muggle, my family, my friends, my work, my ex – I let it all go into this ball. It felt heavy. With Herne’s help, I gained the strength to throw it away.
Energy kept pouring out of my hands, streaming out towards the shower recess. Perhaps it was best that I was there, so all this energy could go down the drain, symbolically washing away.
I am worthy of happiness. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of a healthy body. I no longer need to hide behind this body. I have a man who loves me for me, now it’s time to be the true me. I am [magickal name], and I deserve more than what I allow myself. Affirmation after affirmation, repeated again and again, pushing out my negative thoughts.
Then a co-worker knocked on the door, and my connection broke. We’re not used to seeing the shower room door shut. The pain from my shoulders was gone, my tongue and neck felt like normal, and I felt as though I was glowing. I thanked Herne for always being there for me, and for assisting me with this process.
In a final act of cleansing, I went to the toilet, then brushed my teeth. I stood at the sink, looking into my eyes staring back at me through the mirror, and brushed my teeth. I felt as though I was challenging the darker aspect of myself, anything that was left, to come show itself through the mirror.
“Try me,” my eyes said to myself. “I dare you. Come at me, give it your best shot. I have won this round.”
So while I decide if my internet is going to behave or not, I shall type the second part of this entry (the first part written at work, where I cannot get onto wordpress).
I’m still wanting to do something tonight, but Light knows what that shall be. Clutter litters every part of the house since we’re still unpacking, and although I’m aware that “it only takes a candle, a coffee table and intention” to connect, it’s hard for me to feel comfortable when all I’ll want to do is clean.
This afternoon at work, my side of the office’s electricity kept going off. This was due to our site electrians doing work and forgetting to let us know. After two hours of on-off, my boss called it quits, and I left early. Thankfully, this meant I was home before my Muggle.
Sweaty, hot and exhausted, a shower was the first thing on my mind. As I got in, it came to me. I have no where to put candles, but I turned off the light, called in the Crone Goddess, and asked her for assistance in washing away anything lingering from earlier. I scrubbed my body down, removing old skin as a way of shedding. I washed my hair, completely cleaned head to toe. Once again I said affirmation after affirmation, “I wash away…” parts of me that need to go.
Today has been a day of cleansing, and I’m exhausted from it.
Early last month I began working with Shadow, analysing and accepting all of my faults, in their many colours. Today is the finale of it – I accepted them, I moved on from them, and I washed them all away.
As much as I want to do a final meditation or ritual tonight, it’s just after 5pm and I’m ready to sleep.