With the upcoming Solar Eclipse in Scorpio on the 14th of this month, I will be undertaking a ritual to “embrace the dark side”.
I am feeling the dark side of my self today, and I’m struggling to breathe.
It’s most likely because I am tired from a busy weekend of moving house. It could be I’m exhausted because I know there is still more of the house to move. It could be because I didn’t sleep, after waking from a dream where I was mugged after a Beltane celebration and then had my arm set on fire.
It could be because I’m still struggling at work, feeling like I am chained to my desk, paranoid that if I get up for a glass of water I’ll get the sack.
So many reasons, and the darkness has taken over today. I’m going to let this ride, because if I’m going to be fully prepared for the solar eclipse, I’m going to need to remember this feeling.
Honestly, I think I’m allowing myself, just for today, to remember my depression. Allowing myself to remember it at its height, as that’s certainly where I feel like I am today. The low self esteem, fragile, angry, quiet, brooding, annoyed, fire, fire, fire, burn, burn, burn…
I will burn all, I will destroy all. I will destroy everything that has been rebuilt, so you can start from the beginning, over and over again. I will torment the innocent, strangle the freedom and life from your body, and watch your soul rise up to the heavens, only to crash down to earth and wander as a spirit for the rest of existence.
I will cut, I will tear. I will rip you limb from limb. You cannot escape once cold metal is in my grasp, dragging across your skin. I will watch as your life force drains out from you, and I will laugh. I shall laugh, I shall rejoice, I shall paint my body, my face, I shall paint the world with your blood.
Scream, scream for me. Scream all you like, no one will hear you. Your voice is mute against the pain that will come, the reality of it all will choke you. You will hang there limp, lifeless, against a blackened sky. And I shall dance, and I shall sing, and I shall rejoice in the victory.
Automatic writing scares the shit out of me, sometimes. But there you have it. I close my eyes, and I typed.
I know where this stems from. This morning I was asked for advice to give the mother of a young girl who has recently began cutting.
Oh my, the memories. The pain. The confusion of being told there’s nothing wrong with you, that you want there to be something wrong with you. The belief that everyone wants to kill themselves, that everyone feels the same way that you do. Then why does it hurt so much? If there is nothing wrong with me, why does it hurt to keep going? Why? And why don’t I have the strength to end it all?
Oh but I did, dear reader. Or at least I tried. There comes a time where you get tired of crying yourself to sleep every night, of your obsession with the blade. The vodka tastes delicious, and the pills go down easy. But then you wake up, and you feel like you’re dying without actually dying.
And nobody knows the truth. They are all so blind, they believe you when you tell them it’s food poisoning.
And you fight this. The desire comes again, and again, but do you really want to have to wake up? Can your body handle another unsuccessful attempt?
So you continue to fight. Days, weeks, months then become years. It feels like yesterday that you sat on your new couches in your own home, looking down at your handy work, bursting into tears and knowing that you can’t live like this.
I will never be free from the depression. I’ve come to accept this, and have found a medication that works wonders for me. But I am free from the cutting. The blade was my best friend for over ten years. I promised myself that I would never attempt by slashing my wrists, and I never did.
I went days without cutting. Days became weeks, became months, and then I broke. That was the last time I broke. Yule 2008. I have been “clean” for over four years now. The scars are all I have to remind me of my battle with myself, the war with my mind.
In keeping with working through and honouring my Internal Shadow, I am hoping to do this ritual, created by a fellow blogger who I follow, on the night of the eclipse. I am scared, as I don’t like looking in mirrors at night. But I will, and I will say Hello to my reflection, and I will deal with this shit head on.