Every now and then you need to stop and feel.
You need to stop and feel the shades of grass between your toes and the earth beneath your feet. Feel the suns warmth on your skin, warming your soul. Feel the rush of wind through your hair. And then you need to feel your emotions – the niggling little buggers that you’ve been trying to ignore for the last few weeks, or that you thought you had come to terms with.
There is one such thing that has overwhelmed me today. It is powerful and painful, and is making me want to break down in tears. The reality of it is life changing, and blows all of my Muggle and I’s plans out of the water. I need to feel this. I need to feel the complexity of it, the length of it, and fully realise that this life changing issue may take years to deal with.
I’m sure I’ve mentioned here before how I greet the Gods at Archibald Fountain on my way to work. For some time, I’ve looked upon the statue of Diana without really taking her in. Diana, Huntress of the Forest. She has silently been waiting for me. She has shown herself, and I was too blind to see, and to realise, it is her who I need to ask for help.
I can’t do this alone. My Muggle is helping me with the mentality of it, my GP and the drugs are helping me with the physical aspects of it. I need Diana’s help, I need to ask her to assist with the spiritual side of it all. I need guidance. I need someone to tell me everything will work out as it should in the end.
Right now, there is only one thing I want more than anything else in the world. It’s not like I want a new bike, or a pony, or a new book. This is something I want so much I dream about it, plan for it, yearn for it. And then the opportunity is taken away from you, and you struggle. You do everything you can to get it back. Medication is all trial-and-error, right now there’s no guarentees. This cocktail I’m taking may not help, so we’ll move onto something else. Only time will tell, and all I can do is wait. And then what? More medication? When will my mind, body and soul say “enough is enough” and simply give up on the idea of it all? I don’t want to give up, I need to hold onto this glimmer of hope.
Everyone around me seems to be fulfilling my dream in their own lives. It’s just not fair.