Something happened, and I’m welcoming it with open arms. Time frame wise, I’m saying it happened once I turned twenty-eight earlier this month. But it all happened within days, weeks of each other.
Within a few weeks of each other, I became a Dedicant and Daughter of Herne the Hunter; I started really good anti-depressant and took control of my depression; I started new thyroid medication which is helping a lot more than the previous tablet; I decided to take a new route to work and “stress less”; and I turned twenty-eight.
Since then, the mental shift I have felt has been extraordinary. It’s what I have been waiting for, and wanting to happen, for years – for so long I can’t remember when I first wished for it.
I am the person I have always wanted to be – I’m happy, healthy, mentally stable, and strong. I have a sense of control of what’s going on in my life, and it’s a sense of control that doesn’t rely on a razor blade.
I’ve begun walking 2km in the mornings to work. Rather than getting off at Central Station and walking 800m to the office, I now get off at St James and walk 2km. Every morning I greet the Gods at Archibald Fountain – I honour Apollon and ask that his light warm my soul; and then I honour Herne and walk through the suburban forest that is Hyde Park.
Since becoming a Dedicant and Daughter of Herne, I feel stronger. I feel his strength aiding me, helping me get through the days, and assisting in my journey. My dear friend, he holds my hand as I carry the torch to find my way out of the darkness and into the light. He does not lead me, he supports me as I find the way myself.
And Cerridwen – I feel as though I have been reborn into a new and better me. I channel Awen from her cauldron for inspiration. Through Awen, I have found ways to bring excitement and joy through otherwise tedious tasks.
I have now lost 11kg since April. In doing weights at home, I do funny and weird moves that make me giggle, and make me enjoy working on making my upper body smaller. With Awen, I recently wrote a story for my niece who has become fascinated by the moon. She’s two-and-a-half, so hopefully what I’ve written isn’t too old for her.
I feel the change. I have changed. Not just within losing the weight, and continuing to lose the weight. My mentally has changed.
Last weekend friends and I had a meditation weekend. I won’t go into the details, but I was shown the Past, Present and a brief look into the future. The past was something that I’ve been working on letting go of, and what I feel as though I have finally come to terms with. My upbringing, although with wonderful parents who loved me, had a somewhat dark element to it. Within the smiles of a happy family lay a unconscious programming of their insecurities onto me.
Even through years of therapy, through years of depression which is now a distant memory, the truth was never found. Not until I found my Prince Charming, who put the correct lenses in my glasses, and helped me see just whose world I was living in. It wasn’t until I moved back to my home state in 2010 were the pieces put together. The realisation of what exactly was fueling my depression for all those years, what really was unconsciously holding me back from finding a balance in my life.
It isn’t a coincidence that I often find a balance of who I am when I am living far away from my home town. Living somewhere where I’m not someone’s daughter, someone’s sister or high school chum. Living somewhere where memories of a past life cannot sneak up on me and take me back to places when I was not ready to deal with them.
It’s a wonderful feeling of having somewhere new, learning new familiarities like I mentioned in my previous post, to truly discover who the real you is. And through understanding where these old insecurities stem from, who they truly belong to, and working on ways to remove them from my own mental programming.
So, past insecurities, I give you back to your original owners. The supposed shame of being over weight; the white/bogan way of thinking (as if having a British background makes anyone superior, puh-lease!!); the overpowering feeling of guilt for needing a day off work; and I give back to the Universe all of my own little quirks and traits I created to battle these insecurities.
I am not ashamed of being a big woman, no matter what I was told over and over again. I cannot change that persons mentality, and I cannot change the past. But I can change my own mentality, and I am changing my future. For someone who did not expect to be alive past twenty-five, I am reclaiming my life as my own. I am reclaiming my body. I am reclaiming my mind. I am reclaiming my health, my way of life, and my way of thinking.
The past is the past. The past has given me lessons, and I have learned greatly from them. But now I have graduated, and I am moving on.
I am now the person I have always wanted to be. And there is no looking back.