Within the confusion of where I am spiritually, within the darkness that winter still brings, and accompanied by the voices that won’t be quiet within my head, I think it might be time to completely withdraw from civilisation for a little bit.
And by “completely” I do mean with the exception of work. The bills still need to be paid.
I’ve been following my emotions by the moon over the last few months, and I never realised just how big an impact the Dark Moon has on me. I wish I had thought to track it in my youth. Alas, today is the first day of the Dark Moon where I’ve been able to come to work in a few months. My boss knows of my situation (I’ve had no other choice but to tell him what was going on). Unfortunately I am going to miss out on a meditation with friends tonight. I know it was planned around the Dark Moon for a purpose, but I can’t risk it. I’m trying my hardest not to let anxiety overwhelm me, and so far I’m doing ok.
This weekend gone allowed me to come to terms with things I perhaps didn’t want to acknowledge, but alas the Universe and the Gods believed I was ready to hear it’s message.
I had a wonderful day with friends at a waterfall south of Sydney. I wore thongs, came relatively unprepared for the terrain, but it was a beautiful location. Wearing thongs was worth it – playing on rocks has always been easier for me barefoot.
The land there taught me a number of things: I am on the right track with wanting to learn an Australian way of practice and honour. I do need water (regardless of its form) to help bring me balance. Eucalypts (but not all varieties) are the Australian equivalent to the mighty Oak tree (thanks to one of the girls for cementing that inkling for me). And like a Squiggly Gum I couldn’t stop admiring, I need to learn how to be alone again. This is partly to give myself rest, but more for the future when we move around, and it will go back to just being me and the husband.
Moving to Sydney I got very excited because there is such a large Pagan community here. Without realising there would be consequences, I threw myself into it. Now, I’ve realised I need to take a giant step back, but not completely out. I need to concentrate on me, really look after myself mentally/physically/emotionally, and then see what happens. Without going into too much detail, there’s a possibility that we won’t be in Sydney twelve months from now, so I need to re-evaluate my life, where I am right now, and what I want to continue with.
Spiritually, I have no idea where I am right now. I’m still trying to piece everything together, find a way of practicing that is true to me, that honours what is sacred in my life. Not so much stop learning, but just put a lot of what I have been concentrating on, on pause. I don’t follow one set tradition. I’m not Wiccan, I’m not Druid, I’m not Alexandrian etc. so even after practicing and developing for twelve years, I’m still trying to figure out who I am, and how I will continue to practice. As I mentioned in my previous post, there are so many avenues that I want to explore. But before I explore anything, I need to ground, centre, and disappear for a while. Stop trying to venture down a path that has served its purpose, stop trying to force a way of thinking onto myself that I feel I should be thinking, and just…be. I need to take a step back from Druidry for the moment and remember where I’ve come from. I think I’ve put my past so far aside I’ve forgotten who I am, and how I’ve gotten to where I am. I’ve concentrated so much on one single element of me, that I’ve neglected some other very important aspects of who I am.
I said I’d pause, not completely stop!