Around the Cauldron

Disconnection

I’m going through “that thing” once again. I hate the feeling of disconnectedness, which will come back for very small intervals, allowing you feel joy onto to be ripped away from it again.

It may be that I just need to walk barefoot on the grass. I’ll be doing that this weekend. I work in Surry Hills, and if you’re not a “trendie” then you’re most likely homeless and hanging around the Salvos or the AIDS centre. Being that we’ve found a few needles near work, I wouldn’t dare walk around barefoot here (or at the parks, is what I’m getting at).

I’m at a massive crossroad right now. My path has twisted and turned so greatly in the last few months, I have no idea where I am. I feel lost and unsure, and it’s deeply frustrating. Each time I feel as though I have a grasp of where I’m heading…poof! Maybe I don’t have enough self confidence in what I’m doing. Sadly, I think that is a large factor. I know it’s silly, and for how long I’ve been practicing it is really, really silly.

When you keep telling yourself, “you’re not ready, you’re not ready, it isn’t time” it seems to stem for eternity. Sometimes I miss the ignorance I once had when I was a newbie: believing the Gods are infallible and will love you unconditionally; not realising you can question things to make it your own; not realising there are other paths than what is mentioned in your three books.

That’s one thing that I find difficult about Paganism in general – everyone’s path is unique. We all communicate with the Gods, with the elements, with nature and the Earth differently. So when I look on forums for information, and am bombarded with people saying, “No, it’s like this” my little dark voice (which I’ve tried very hard to keep locked away) says, “Ahh so you are doing things wrong. Do it like them! Believe them! Ignore your instincts! Bwahahaha” Evil, evil little voice. The Ego wins, self-confidence dwindles, the darkness rises and I fall into a pit once more, depressed because I’m unconsciously allowing this to happen.

Yes, I understand that I’ve now acknowledged it, as I often acknowledge these things afterwards, but at the time I have no idea what’s really going on. Again, very frustrating. It’s moving on afterwards. I was told once, “Don’t try, just do” and it’s a very hard concept for me to really come to terms with and practice.

There are so many things that I am interested in, and so many energies that I want to work with, I think I overwhelm myself before I even get started. I don’t know where to start, and I often don’t finish one thing before moving onto another (story of my life, I’m afraid.) Aboriginal, Celtic, Mayan, and Atlantean spirituality, energy and Deities; working with Dragons and the Fae; working with symbols and sigils; spellcraft in general; deepening my connection with the energy of the land where I’m currently living. Even getting back into crystal healing.

Oh there really isn’t enough hours in the day. I’m on the train half an hour after waking, and home for three hours in the evening before going to bed, and normally asleep before 9pm.

I understand that winter is a time of self-reflection and rest, but for me it is a time where my depression worsens and I sink. My spirituality is what keeps my head above water, so when I feel disconnected like I am, it feels like I’m drowning and there’s nothing to hold onto.

I’ve started studying each of what I’ve mentioned. Over the years, I’ve started with bits and pieces. But then something else pulls at my attention and I move on. Or, where I am at now, I have all this information and ideas floating around my head, I’m unsure of how to merge them into my practice. So I’m feeling lost, and uncertain, and questioning everything I think I know.

So when you’re feeling lost, what do you do? How do you find your way back?

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8 thoughts on “Disconnection

  1. I can relate to everything you say in this post and am going through a similar thing at the moment. I felt VERY disconnected for a good few months. The way I’m beginning to pull myself out is to find something I really want to educate myself more on – in my case Celtic gods – and dive in. I wish you luck!

  2. Lisa – when I was younger and struggled with depression, I was a Christian not a pagan. the principle in that paradigm that kept me going was my idea that God was bigger than anything that I was going through and that no matter how deep and dark the hole – God was deeper.

    That concept can translate. One doesn’t need a Christian god for it. All you need is to remember that everything is part of one whole and has it’s place and purpose and time.

    This is born out by Brandon Bays’ experience of losing everything with which she associated her sense of identity pretty much at once. Out of her experience she learnt that if she felt each feeling fully, then dropped through it to the feeling under it, eventually she would come to a place that was black nothingness. When she allowed that to be and let herself (in a meditative way) drop through that, she found boundless unconditional love underneath it all. You cannot fall below the level of that universal loving, being-ness, no matter how low you go. It’s not a matter of any path.

    And when you are faced with the frustration of picking at the smorgasbord of pagan practice and feel you are losing your way, just stop. Take a step back. No-one drives you save you. The invitation before you now is to be still. Let the many things stirred up slowly drift down and settle. In time, what is right for you will present itself. Your focus will change as different things present themselves or seem right at different seasons – that is the richness of life.

    Don’t fear your dark or fight it. Just listen to it. It will teach you.

      1. Intriguingly, this ties in very well with what Kim Falconer has been saying in her astro updates which I get on FB – I find myself in the same place of needing to stop, take a step back, let be, let everything settle. even the I Ching – when I used that over the weekend – gave the same message – little changes, not big ones, the focus, be still, let things happen. I can’t even et myself in a place to update my blog at present.

  3. That sense if disconnection isn’t just limited to you Cara. 🙂 I go through it occasionally too, and I often find that simply doing something non-spiritual – reading a series of favourite fiction books, picking up my embroidery projects, doing some scrapbooking or cardmaking – will often distract me from the more spiritual things that seem to demand my attention at that time (wretched timing LOL!). Rather like a holiday really.

    Don’t beat yourself up that you’ve got a range of interests and information in your mind, it means you’re flexible and curious about a range of modalities and methods. The trick is to weave them into your everyday life and continue to absorb info as it comes your way, filling any gaps in the info you have already with experience in the ordinary.

    I agree with the person who suggested to you to ‘just do’ when you’re feeling uncertain as to what you’re doing – sometimes doing creates it’s own momentum to discovery and “Sheesh, I DO know what the eff I’m doing with all this!” moments. 🙂
    Do yourself a favour, IGNORE all the people on forums etc that tell you you’re doing it wrong. What do they know about how you choose to live your spirituality anyway? Do they have a Hogwarts University degree or something that they’re the authority? Or are they simply on a power trip of their own? Forums where people feel free to knock down another’s way of practice can be full of those kinds of power-tripping bullies after all.

    ((HUG)) Just Nike it. Just do it. You can have your own personal think about it after. Throw out or adjust things that don’t work for you until you have what does. Even if it’s as simple (and as lovely) as walking barefoot in the grass on a nice day. (Top that off with a hot choc or a favourite coffee at a good cafe, and lo, everyday spirtuality!)

    1. It wasn’t people on the forums telling ME I was wrong – I went hunting for information and found people beating this poor person down into nothing for asking a question, then they proceeded to beat on each other. People can be strange.

      I walked barefoot in the grass…and it was lovely!! Thanks for your advice, hun!

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