I’m going through “that thing” once again. I hate the feeling of disconnectedness, which will come back for very small intervals, allowing you feel joy onto to be ripped away from it again.
It may be that I just need to walk barefoot on the grass. I’ll be doing that this weekend. I work in Surry Hills, and if you’re not a “trendie” then you’re most likely homeless and hanging around the Salvos or the AIDS centre. Being that we’ve found a few needles near work, I wouldn’t dare walk around barefoot here (or at the parks, is what I’m getting at).
I’m at a massive crossroad right now. My path has twisted and turned so greatly in the last few months, I have no idea where I am. I feel lost and unsure, and it’s deeply frustrating. Each time I feel as though I have a grasp of where I’m heading…poof! Maybe I don’t have enough self confidence in what I’m doing. Sadly, I think that is a large factor. I know it’s silly, and for how long I’ve been practicing it is really, really silly.
When you keep telling yourself, “you’re not ready, you’re not ready, it isn’t time” it seems to stem for eternity. Sometimes I miss the ignorance I once had when I was a newbie: believing the Gods are infallible and will love you unconditionally; not realising you can question things to make it your own; not realising there are other paths than what is mentioned in your three books.
That’s one thing that I find difficult about Paganism in general – everyone’s path is unique. We all communicate with the Gods, with the elements, with nature and the Earth differently. So when I look on forums for information, and am bombarded with people saying, “No, it’s like this” my little dark voice (which I’ve tried very hard to keep locked away) says, “Ahh so you are doing things wrong. Do it like them! Believe them! Ignore your instincts! Bwahahaha” Evil, evil little voice. The Ego wins, self-confidence dwindles, the darkness rises and I fall into a pit once more, depressed because I’m unconsciously allowing this to happen.
Yes, I understand that I’ve now acknowledged it, as I often acknowledge these things afterwards, but at the time I have no idea what’s really going on. Again, very frustrating. It’s moving on afterwards. I was told once, “Don’t try, just do” and it’s a very hard concept for me to really come to terms with and practice.
There are so many things that I am interested in, and so many energies that I want to work with, I think I overwhelm myself before I even get started. I don’t know where to start, and I often don’t finish one thing before moving onto another (story of my life, I’m afraid.) Aboriginal, Celtic, Mayan, and Atlantean spirituality, energy and Deities; working with Dragons and the Fae; working with symbols and sigils; spellcraft in general; deepening my connection with the energy of the land where I’m currently living. Even getting back into crystal healing.
Oh there really isn’t enough hours in the day. I’m on the train half an hour after waking, and home for three hours in the evening before going to bed, and normally asleep before 9pm.
I understand that winter is a time of self-reflection and rest, but for me it is a time where my depression worsens and I sink. My spirituality is what keeps my head above water, so when I feel disconnected like I am, it feels like I’m drowning and there’s nothing to hold onto.
I’ve started studying each of what I’ve mentioned. Over the years, I’ve started with bits and pieces. But then something else pulls at my attention and I move on. Or, where I am at now, I have all this information and ideas floating around my head, I’m unsure of how to merge them into my practice. So I’m feeling lost, and uncertain, and questioning everything I think I know.
So when you’re feeling lost, what do you do? How do you find your way back?