We finally went to the beach.
I know I’ve mentioned this, but once upon a time I practiced Ocean Witchcraft. It was beautiful, and powerful; and no matter what beach I went to, I could feel the strength of the waves, the pull of the tides, and I was home.
I have a theory, that when I said good-bye to my old self, I said good-bye to my connection with the ocean. It wasn’t my intention to do that, but it was a partial eclipse of the full moon, and magick was intensified.
We went up to Mungo Brush today. Normally when I see the ocean I feel alive. I step onto its shores and I feel at home. I kick off my thongs and run straight into the water, waves greeting me as I dance in its foam. I feel power coursing throughout the land and sea.
Not today. Today I stood at the top of the stairs looking out to the water, and felt nothing. Not even nothing. Emptiness. It is so hard to describe, the feeling of nothing. I’d imagine it to be like an Aes Sedai being stripped, losing her connection to the One Power.
I tried to pretend that I was okay, so we began walking along the beach. I couldn’t hold it back any longer, and I burst into tears. I was hiccuping, getting a snotty nose, and I think I may have even screamed in frustration at one stage.
I didn’t know what to do. It was gone, it was just…gone. Insisting on going back to the car, I cried all the way back. And as we were heading off. My poor husband. He’s used to me crying when my hormones are playing up (PCOS) but he’s a muggle, he doesn’t get this element of me.
I know I was ready to let go of my old self, but I didn’t think it would have this big an impact on me when faced with my old world (shall we say).
So I called for help, Herne answered, and within five minutes I was fine. I understand it all now. I hadn’t properly mourned my old self, my old world. This was needed, a way of letting go. Bringing it to a close so I can fully grasp my new path.
I saw the Green Man in the trees, heard the birds sing and I knew that surrounded by eucalyptus trees is truly my home now.
I just wish I could have felt something at the beach, like old times.
2 thoughts on “Mourning the loss of what was”
I believe you will. It seems to me that you needed the link with the ocean to be moved aside to provide room for your other ties with earth and sky (and fire – depending whether you are focussing on the three realms or the four elements) to grow. Eventually you will find yourself resting in a new balance where all are equally dear. it is about letting one thing go in order to come to a new level of completeness, and that which is lost will be found again.
I think you might be on to something, there. When I was younger I worked with fire, and then one day just stopped. But i never worked as full on as I did with the ocean. I never felt like my soul had been ripped in two while revisiting. I had an idea that sea would need to be put aside, but I wasn’t expecting myself to react in this manner.
I shall await the balance.