I had a post ready to go about the darkness, and diving within, and about the waning year. At least, that’s what I intended it to be. Looking back on it, it sounds incredibly ranty; an explanation or justification for why I am the way I am (not hormonal at all…) and really childish at the core. I’m someone who gives her Darker self a name, an identity, and that aspect of Me was truly at the keyboard wanting her voice heard. I may post it another time.
The darkness of Autumn and Winter, the earth’s descent into the quietness of the land, has always been my favourite time of the year. This year is the first time where the Muggle aspect of me is more alert, as my love of the cold air landed me in hospital with pneumonia last year, and I don’t wish to reenact those two weeks again.
Funnily enough, it happened around the time I was to begin working with Jane Meredith’s book, Journey to the Dark Goddess. I’m not saying that being sick was my journey, but certainly a reminder that I need to be more careful and prepared when this season comes. As someone who honours a Dark God, a God of Winter, I really should’ve known better. Alas, new job, new routine, public transport, lack of a descent jacket – these things happen.
Being sick was really the first push into descending the wrong way – out into the realm of Muggles. In retrospect, being sick is what begun my feeling of disconnect; of feeling that strong connection to my path. It was the first domino and I haven’t quite worked out how to stop it. The real world – study, work – has gotten in the way time and time again, allowing my attention to be on the wrong thing, and not on the dominoes falling.
This year, for this journey, I have an understanding of where the path is taking me…I think. I have a basic idea of what Herne has planned for me, but due to current complications I cannot bring myself to calm my mind enough to meditate, to connect, and to properly ask Him.
There have been signs, as there often are, played out through my iPod and finding old posts, and tonight’s tarot cards that jumped out of the deck. But that’s the beauty of the descent – you don’t know what waits for you in the darkness. You may be lucky enough to have a torch, or fire, or something to illuminate a part of your way – but it will always only be a part. When travelling the unknown road, you don’t know what lies ahead. You aren’t familiar with junctions or T-intersections or side streets.
Most of us work with both light and dark – following on from the saying, “you can’t heal if you can’t hex.” We understand that there is always shadow where there is light, and the darkest shadow comes from the brightest light. We understand the balance. This is not the same thing has taking the journey.
Sometimes we cannot help when it happens – sometimes the rug is pulled beneath our feet, or those we honour have had enough and gives us a “gentle” push down the stairs. Know that it is a pathway – road, stair case, hallway, whatever your imagine guides it to be – and you can turn back if you feel you are not ready.
For example, 13 Reasons Why. I am not allowed to watch that show, because I cannot guarantee how I’ll be at the end of it. That is a descent that I am not prepared for.
Maybe falling through the rabbit hole into this very Muggle world with an awful Muggle mentality (I find it awful) is to make me realise that I don’t need to rely upon those I honour as much as I have done in the past. I love Herne, I wear his ring with my wedding band, I know I am his Apprentice and Daughter. As He has told me before, He can take hold of the light when my arm gets tired, and He can walk along side with me, but it is me opening the doors and facing what’s on the other side. I have a confidence that didn’t exist when I first began my journey with Him.
Still, I am ready to come home, and if this means facing a new descent then bring it on.