I sit here typing as a way of forcibly telling myself that I will not submit to cravings, to my anxiety, to my old habits. I sit here forcibly trying to make myself accept change, as change is good and for the better.
With the New Years Eve fireworks setting off tonight, we’re all bound to reflect on what needs to change within our selves, our lives – what can we do that will make our future better. We’ll be reflecting on what has happened in this last year that we’re not proud of, that we are proud of, that we want to be rid of or that we want to continue in embracing.
Tonight, tomorrow, two weeks from now, the “Destructive self” will come into play. It is what keeps us from fulfilling any “new year resolutions” and taking us back into old habits. My “Destructive Self” is yelling in my ear right now as I’ve begun – again – to make changes in my life that I’m terrified of and my natural response is to retreat into old habits. The same old habits that I’m trying to be rid of.
We like to be comfortable and for many of us change is such a terrifying concept that we try to avoid it at all costs. We plan to change again and again, over and over, and at the first sign of failure we give up. Or not – some have the strength to keep going, to push through the negative thought that arises.
I’m one of the weaker ones. I’m one of those who loves making excuses as to why something can’t be one. I’m some one who prioritises everything else that isn’t nearly important over something that is.
I am someone who, because of PMDD, has to restart each month. I have no constant motivation – each month when my hormones go into over drive and I talk myself out of suicidal thoughts, I have to begin again. It doesn’t matter what aspect of my life it’s regarding – I begin again.
Is there a cure? Yes and no. A supportive husband and knowing that staying in bed won’t pay the bills helps immensely. But at the end of the day, not giving myself – ourselves – the credit we deserve holds us back. Not acknowledging our own strength, our own determination, and forgetting just how far we’ve come from stands in our way like a thick black smog, not allowing ourselves to see the bigger picture.
So what’s my bigger picture?
Those in my very small inner circle know that there is going to be a massive change for me towards the end of 2016. I’ve been feeling it build for the last five or six years, so now it’s time to begin/continue/finish the smaller bits and pieces to ensure the bigger picture can manifest.
It’s like doing the dishes ensures the bigger picture of a tidy home and safe food consumption.
The smaller picture is changing my routine as my university study load is about to change, which means my work routine (and eventually job) is about to change, and I need to be prepared.
Like Captain Jack says in Torchwood, “the 21st Century is when it all happens, and you gotta be prepared.” My new motto!
Reflection on 2015
To be completely cliché I’ll do a small reflection on 2015.
I lost my Poppy to leukaemia, and gained an Aunt. Through my Aunt I found so many questions answered, and realised just how amazing the women of my lineage are. We are strong, we are determined, and we’ve all excelled at everything we set our minds to.
I gained Sisters, a deeper connection to my faith, got published in a book, and gained a better understanding of who I am and who I want to be.
I changed university degrees, got the pay rise and promotion I worked my butt off for at work, and was convinced to do spirit readings more often. I even made myself a business card. (Once it arrived I realised it should’ve said, “Spirit Medium”. I didn’t want it to say ‘Psychic’ – I do readings through communication with Spirit and the Ancestors, so that’s what I wanted it to reflect).
We went from one cat to ten, to fourteen. We’ve now kinda adopted the “Big Evil Fucker” and his litter as his food source as disappeared. He’s the suburbs resident tom cat who picks fights with everyone so provided he behaves, he’s welcome to join our pack.
And most recently I have found a connection to Elen of the Ways, a British Deer Goddess who walks the migration path with the deer, who (along with Sovereignty) is helping me on my journey to see the bigger picture.
What do I want for 2016?
I want to get my grades back up with university. One subject a semester on campus is going to be my new challenge, as it only working four days a week due to this new study structure. I want to pass my summer subject, Indigenous Science, with flying colours.
I want to stick with at least one of my (so far) 10 resolutions. Tonight will be the last time I drink alcohol. I want to go a whole year without it to prove to myself that I can. I’ve done “Dry [Month]” before, now let’s see if I can make it the year!
I want my “bigger picture” to manifest. Above all else, I want that to manifest.
One thought on “The Destructive Self (Happy Gregorian New Year)”
Go Ciara! Power to your elbow! Think things through then follow through.