Around the Cauldron · For the Gods · Pagan Blog Project 2014

Inner Darkness (Insane in the Membrane)

I find that I can only talk about mental illness when I’m in the episode of a Dive. Like today. It’s waxed and waned a few times, but it just won’t let go.

It’s really crippling. One moment you’re fine, the next you’re wanting to hide in the deepest, darkest corners of the room where you feel you’ll be safest. I’m not sure what draws us to darkness during this time, but I’m using all my strength today to stay in the light.

And then you’re fine again, with little to no memory of the previous dive.

From a Pagan perspective, the hardest thing about living with mental illness is the belief that we’re not worthy. Not worthy of self love, or to give love – not to our friends, our family, our Patrons. During the Dive, the Spiral, the Darkness, however you refer to it, the need to hide away so no one else a) see’s you like this, and b) has to deal with you like this, extends to your relationship with the Gods, the Spirits, the Ancestors and everyone else you work with.

Not worthy of their time, their energy. That your energy is tainted and you don’t want to give them tainted honour.

Stress adds to the weight, blocking out more light trying to break through. Anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, adding more and more layers of blackness.

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‘The Hart of the Moon’ by Helen Wells

The last time I felt like this, a dear friend of mine had a visit. She was woken by a White Stag in her lounge room.

Last night I got the visit. No matter where I looked in the darkness (I was trying to get back to sleep) there He was.

In the midst of feeling like you’re not worthy of breath – let alone the attention and love of the Gods – is the cold hard reality we don’t want to hear, which is what I’m pretty sure was coming through in the visit.

OF COURSE YOU FUCKING ARE!!

Common sense, right? And when I’m not in a Dive, it is absolute common sense!

This Dive I’m trying to make myself ultra-aware of the layers hiding underneath the layers of curtains blocking out the light. I’m going to hypnotherapy next month to assist in my losing weight, so a lot of crap is coming to the surface. Everything I’m feeling in this Dive, hidden under a mask of self-confidence that is cracking. But the mask needs to crack – it needs to break. The self-confidence from within needs to extend out from itself, not the mask I’ve worn since Light knows when.

With Herne’s help, I can do this. He’s a great guide in working with your inner darkness because he’s been there, done that. As much as I’m hating where my head is, as much as I hate how me being like this affects my Muggle (because there’s nothing he can do to help) I know that these episodes are to make me aware for what’s to come.

BAH! Chemical Imbalances are awful.

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