When I was a teenager, I heard voices. They were malicious, and terrifying, and took me down to a level below the depths that I had been to before.
Twelve years on, I’m not entirely sure if they were voices from my mind (like I thought they were at the time) or voices from spirits messing with me.
Either way, I don’t trust what I hear anymore. I don’t trust what people say, what they don’t say, or what is said when I’m alone in silence.
I really wish I wasn’t like this. I would love to fine tune this ability because I still do hear, but the moment I try to concentrate on it, it’s gone. I’ve heard parts of conversation, I’ve heard answers to questions I’ve only thought to myself about. I’ve also heard frightening things (like back in the Dark Days of Depression) telling me to end it, to take those pills (which I did, and wouldn’t recommend) and urging me to self injure. These days the malicious voices come when I’m already down, and these I KNOW are my mind as I can now tell the difference.
I would love to know how I can get over this, work through it. Right now, messages for other people come a lot more easily than they do for me. I can’t hear in regards to myself. Messages for friends (particularly in person) come so prominently I feel as though I’m stepping out of my body and allowing whoever is talking to take the reigns for a while. When it’s through messaging, like what has happened recently, it’s that constant, “you need to say this. Why haven’t you said it? SAY IT!! LET THEM KNOW!!”
A large part of my issue is self doubt. Absolutely. And it’s because of what happened and what I experienced as a teenager (that led to my mother thinking I was either bi-polar or schizophrenic; I was rather convinced, too) that I have little confidence in what I hear and experience.
My ‘inner knowing’ for other people is very strong. For myself, not so much. Again, I doubt everything in regards to myself. When reading for others, sometimes the feeling just takes over and I know without a fraction of a doubt that I am passing on the right message, from the right person, to the right person. I love those moments.
The weirdest part is, I find dealing with the energy of adults the most difficult. I love doing Baby Readings for clucky women or pregnant soon-to-be mums and have a very good strike record. When reading the energy of their children, it’s like they’re talking into a microphone and my head is in Dolby surround sound. It’s so amazingly clear, and the visions they give me are full colour. Their energy also lingers for hours after wards, no matter how hard I try to shake it off. I used to do readings over distance, but the energy is so much stronger when the pregnant mum or excited father are here to shuffle the cards.
If anyone has any suggestions, if you’ve been through something similar, in that you don’t trust what you hear all the time, I’d love to know how you worked around it and got passed it.
Until then, my family, spirit guides and wonderful Patron know to just jump that card out of the deck when I’m shuffling if I need an answer for myself.
I did get a lovely visit today. My friend and I were at uni talking about the upcoming ritual we’ll be doing for Samhain, and I was wishing that I had photos of my Poppy’s family. I know he didn’t bring many photos with him when he came over from Holland.
“Don’t worry, love. We’ll still be there. We never took many photos.”