Around the Cauldron · For the Gods

The Journey of (medicated) Self Discovery

After being free from them for almost three years, I gave in. I went to my Doctor and said I needed help. I can’t do it on my own anymore, not now that I’m working full time. As a result, I’m on new anti-depressants. My mood swings had gotten so bad I was taking time off work, it was impacting on my relationship with my Muggle, and with the Gods.

Funnily enough, when talking to Herne about this choice, his message was clear. “I don’t like the drugs, but the drugs like me” came on my iPod. I think he’s upset that I feel the need to be on them, fearing that I will lose my sense of self.

It’s been week one, and I’ve already improved. The only real side effect is restlessness, but I have managed to channel that into my work, making me more efficient than I’ve ever been, to the point where I’m bored after lunch as I’m getting through processing invoices faster than they are arriving at my desk. However, with restlessness comes exhaustion from the excess energy I’m now channeling.

In a way I’m feeling out-of-touch with my spiritual self already. This is a big adjustment for me, so I do need to find my footing again. He is right, in a way, that I have lost an element of self. But change is a necessary evil to survive.

With this change comes the benefits, too. Since beginning this new medication, I’ve given up my one cigarette a day at work. I’m now getting off at St James station and walking 2km into work rather than 800m up from Central Station. I get to greet the Gods once again at Archibald Fountain, and then walk through Hyde Park under a canopy of greenery. It’s there that I say Good morning to Herne, as I wander through the urbanesque forest.

Through doing this, I have lost 2.5kg this week. I am 3.5kg off my current goal weight. My legs are more toned, my bum is more toned, and my back-fat dimple is slowly taking over from the excess fat. Now if only I could find a comfortable way to lose the tyre around my belly!

Depression is a horrible thing to live with. Depression with anxiety and mood swings makes you feel like you’re living in a variation of bipolar hell, and leaves you scared to go into the kitchen in fear you may begin self injuring with the new kitchen knives. I was medication free for a number of years, and as much as I would love to continue, I don’t feel it’s possible at this time. I had to explain that to Herne. He may have chosen to hang himself on an oak tree from madness of losing his skills in the hunt, but I’ve worked too hard to allow myself to head down that path again. I’ve been there, attempted that. I’ve worked so hard to fight my depression, but it will always be there.

Now I need to find a new balance. A balance between keeping the darkness at bay through medication; walking the path of Druid Craft with Herne the Hunter as my guide; and rediscovering this new aspect of myself.

And all in perfect timing: I turned 28 three days ago.

3 thoughts on “The Journey of (medicated) Self Discovery

  1. I suffer from depression myself and had about a year off my meds before I had to go back on them. I know lot of people see the meds as a bad thing but I am SUCH a better person when I’m on them I don’t really want to go back off. Depression isn’t something that can be cured so I see no negative with taking medication if you’re diagnosed with it. Having said that though, I do understand what you say about finding a new balance. It was hard for me to find it again both when I can off and went back on my meds. Still, I got there, and so can you.

    As an aside, I’m interested to see how you consider your smoking in regards to your paganism? Although I’ve plenty of friends that smoke I do find it rather…unpleasant. Also, if part of being pagan is allowing yourself to live in the best way possible, isn’t smoking going against that? I’m not accusing you of anything here, just interested in your thoughts.


    1. Smoking was a stress release. It wasn’t to do with paganism, it was more health & well being in general. I’ve cut back a lot of old habits to deal with depression, and smoking was just one more that was lingering. Let’s face it, sometimes you just need to go outside and have a good whinge and a bitch with your fellow co-workers!
      I do see meds in a new light then when I was younger, and now I am just loving these tablets. Even with meds, it’s so trial-and-error about finding ones that work for you. I had so many people tell me that I’ll be ok once I talk it all out. But now that I know it’s chemical, and I’m older and wiser, meds are a god send.

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