Well, something has definitely clicked. I’m hoping it stays clicked. I guess it’s the slight weight loss thanks to moving and being sick (flu…hate it…phlemmy goodness). I’m trying a new thing where I don’t eat until I’m hungry. Down side is that I’ve been skipping meals without realising I’m doing it. Up side is that after an awful day at work (and being sick) I didn’t enjoy eating Oporto for dinner. I felt guilty, and awful. This is a mega change, because I LVOE Oporto!

My breakfast is two “Up & Go’s”. Sometimes two – depends on how I’m feeling in the morning. Normally one. Lunch is whatever I feel like eating, what’s around, or if I have bread in the work fridge it’s a vegemite and cheese sanga.

Cooking dinner…oh my gods…first week of it since August last year and I’m loving it! Seared chicken with mashed potato and vegies…yum!

Just explaining skipping meals – it’s mainly skipping lunch. I’m snowed under at work (20 engineers giving me orders to raise = 100+ invoices in two weeks that I can’t process until said 20 engineers give me the go ahead) so I’ve been working through lunch. I leave at 4, so come 2 o’clock when I realise what the time is, I think, “Meh, I’m leaving in two hours, I can wait til I’m home” and then hold off until dinner. I know it’s not great for me – but I’m just not hungry.

I’ve moved to the site office yesterday (hence why it was a bad day…I’m sitting next to the fucking printer grr) so I’ll take a photo of the hill I have to walk up. If you’re familiar with Sydney and familiar with Surry Hills, you’ll know the type of incline that they get. Albion St incline. For my friends in Geelong…think the hill next to the Cement Works. Not the one that takes you up to Geelong College, I mean the one that takes you to Herne Hill. Yep. Holy fuck. It took me 15 minutes to walk down from Site…down the street, across under the bridge, across to Central, down to the furthest platform they had, raced up the stairs and just met my train. That’s my afternoon routine now. So if that takes me 15 minutes, I think it’ll take me half an hour to walk up the hill. When I’m feeling more confident, I’ll time myself.

If it was in Melbourne, there’d be a tram. Which I would catch, and completely defeat the purpose.

So a brisk full-powered walk up the slight incline to the station in the morning, down the steps. Onto the train. Off at Central, maze it through to the my street, then up the hill. And stairs. The site office is above the toilets. Toilets are now down one flight of stairs. Enter, more exercise! I’m also taking glucosamine tablets for my bad knee. It helps take the annoyance off it.

I think seeing my “upper” roll of fat wobble as I walk in the reflection of glass at work has also been a big motivator – it’s so hypnotising and slightly disgusting at the same time. It needs to be done, but like everything that I’ve ever done in life, it needed to be done and realised in my own time. I think I needed to reach this point, reach 1xxkg, to learn a lesson I needed to learn before I die. What lesson that is, I’m not entirely sure, but I’ve gotten there, and now it’s time to do something to get it all off.

My weight is all that’s left of years upon years of depression. I don’t live in that darkness anymore. I embrace is the darkness when it comes because I know the light will follow soon after. I see it all as balance now. Not living with family certainly helps. My fat is a reminder of who I used to be, not who I am now. I’m better than this, I’m better than the emotional eating that I relied upon for years, and I’m better than the size 24 leggins that wouldn’t fit me today in Big W!

Conclusion – it’s finally clicked and I’m pushing myself (within my limits) to lose this bulk. I think seeing that mi-nute weight loss helps. Cooking is even better, walking to the station is fantastic, and Woolies being 100m away is the greatest, because it means more walking in every day activities and less car.

Once I’m over this dreaded cold/flu/phlemmy goodness, I’ll start aquarobics twice a week (it’s only available twice a week in the evenings near me.)

So on this wonderful weight loss motivational kick, and I’ve lost two kilos since the beginning of April, has been Amergin. To read more about Amergin, click this sentence because I don’t want to divert too far off. But the Song of Amergin.

I’ve seen his name in at least three license plates today. I’ve thought I’ve heard his name being called. And it certainly hasn’t left my mind. It’s a very Druid thing that, in our ritual, we do what’s called the “Song of Amergin”. It begins with I am… so here’s mine for today.

I am the waves that crash
I am the wind the blows
I am the fire of the sun
I am the earth beneath my feet
I am the tree standing tall
I am the birds singing their song
I am the fish in the river
I am the bee collecting pollon
I am the dandilion dancing in the breeze
I am the rustle of the leaves
I am the call of the crow
I am the beauty within
I am worthy of love
I am worthy of desire
I am worthy of a healthy body
I am worthy.