I knew in high school at 14 that I wasn’t male. I knew I wasn’t female, either. In a world before Google I didn’t know anyone could be anything other than male, female, trans or intersex. I didn’t know that what I was feeling had a name, or was even a valid feeling. I thought I was wrong.
I remember telling my classmates that “I am a gay guy in a woman’s body” I’ve no idea what that statement actually means, I just I knew I wasn’t female and this was the only way I could explain it.
My name is Rowan, and I am Agender. I am not female, nor am I male. I am someone who does not identify with gender.
The first person I told replied with, “that actually makes a lot of sense.” The second gave me this accepting look of, “Oh hun, I knew that when I met you.” Seems I’m late to my own party.
The Muggle has been incredibly supportive, and it’s blown me away. I don’t believe he was completely surprised as he’s had me saying for years, “I’m only a woman because I have ovaries.” We’ve also joked that I’ve been in the wrong body because of my frame and my ovaries being the source of all evil. And now that I’m a year off 35 I can finally speak to someone about having those buggers removed in the hopes that it’ll take the PMDD away and I can be free from hormonal bipolar.
Over the years I’ve tried to embrace being female, embrace being a woman, embrace the Feminine Divine within Paganism. Embracing femininity is one of the longest struggles and greatest masks I’ve ever worn.
I remember at my first ever Beltane event I was confused as to where to go when we were split into male/female groups to honour the King and Queen before ritual. I know the organiser said to go where you feel like you need to be, but I still didn’t know. So I followed the women, wanting to see what it was like to be in such a space. I was just as confused the following year, wanting to be with the men, but interested to see how the women’s business would differ from the previous year.
I’ve tried to follow Goddess Spirituality. I’ve tried to believe that my womb is sacred – but it’s not. It’s connected to my ovaries which is the source of all evil. My ovaries are the source of infertility, of PCOS, of premenstrual dysphoric disorder. It’s a reminder that my body does not represent who I am. I’ve tried to be what society has told me to be, but I’ve always had my own drum beat to walk to.
I’ve loved this journey of self discovery. I’ve loved working with amazing women to share in the love of Feminine Divine. They’ve helped open my eyes to wonders and pathways, to Deities and rites and paths I may never have gone down.
Trying to connect to the aspect of the Triple Goddess, to Maiden/Mother/Crone was when I knew I wasn’t female. Reading ‘The Women’s Wheel of Life‘ made me realise that I didn’t feel connected to what I was reading.
And that’s ok. I know who I am now.