I ended up leaving work early yesterday. I don’t normally struggle with Daylight Savings leaping an hour forward, but after an exhausting weekend, I was a wreck yesterday. My defenses couldn’t stay up against the shit my mind throws at me.
In the mornings I’ve begun working with, what Raven Digitalus refers to as “The Internal Shadow”. I’m going through some negative traits of mine, grouped into the four elements, and working through them; analysing and figuring out why I have these traits, when they began, and what I can do to overcome them. Possibly not the best way to start the day, but it’s nice and quiet on the train and I can think. Once I see the Harbour at Circular Quay, and do my morning ritual in Hyde Park, I’m good for the rest of the day! Normally – yesterday was the exception.
I left work at 2.30, and got home close on 4. And I slept. I slept right through to 7.30ish, had a shower, ate some of my Muggle’s dinner, and then went back to bed, and slept straight through to 5.30 this morning. Last night I went through a meditation in order to force myself back to sleep. Normally after sleeping for 3.5 hours in the afternoon, I don’t go back to sleep. So I took myself deep, allowed my inner voice to guide my body into relaxing, imagined I was on a beach and that the cars outside were the waves crashing on the shore, and off I went.
Now I’m not sure if it was my imagination, my meditation, or my dreams, but Herne came to me. This bit of my memory is sketchy, but I believe he introduced me to a Goddess, who I believe was Sovereignty. Yes! As I’m typing this, parts of it is coming back to me. Like standing on a hill, overlooking more rolling hills, then I turn around and look up the mountain. He says that it’s going to be hard, it certainly won’t be easy, but I have to climb over the rocks and up the hill in order to reach the top. Much like what I’m doing in the mornings, I have to climb over what I don’t want to realise in order to reach my goal. I told him, “Yep, no worries. If I can walk up Albion St, I can climb over these rocks.” Each time I tried to turn around and look at where we were, I couldn’t. He said, “Once you begin, there’s no going back, and there’s no looking back. The past is the past, and will never change.” And he was there every step of the way, behind me, there to catch me or help me if I struggled.
He wasn’t “exactly” as I drew him yesterday morning – he was more rugged, with deeper set eyes. But my artist abilities can only take me so far, and I think what I drew was pretty damn good considering! I can’t remember what I was wearing, I didn’t think to look.
I remember the view up on top of the hill – it was gorgeous. Rolling hills, and a river running beneath in the valley. It was night, a full moon lit up the land, and stars took over the night sky. It was breathtaking! Herne stepped in front of me and to the left, and said there was something he wanted me to meet. Then a woman appeared, as if walking up the slight incline of the hill in front of me. She was gorgeous, absolutely stunningly beautiful.
She looked young and ageless, blonde hair tied back in a bun, and a silver tiara/circlet on her head. The gown she wore was white and silver, and she radiated. Herne introduced her as Sovereignty. She said that what I was doing in the mornings was on the right track, that knowing my darker elements and weaknesses would help me know myself better. She also spoke about really caring for the earth. I mentioned how I feel like I can’t do anything, that the actions of one cannot undo years of neglect that we as a race have brought. She said to start small, recycle. I mentioned I catch public transport everywhere, and she smiled. I can’t remember much conversation after that. She gave me a hug, and nodded to Herne that she was to go. We fared her well, and off she went, back down the hill in the starry night. I remember hugging Herne, and we began walking somewhere, but I think I fell asleep shortly after.
The opportunity came today. I won’t go into detail, but shit hit the fan, and I was asked if I really want to keep my job. Two weeks of exhaustion and it was showing in my work so much that my boss has lost confidence in me. Oh if I could find work that wasn’t based in the Muggle world, that didn’t involve tearing up the earth, I would move in a heartbeat. If we weren’t worried about where my Muggle’s next job would be, I would move. That said, it wouldn’t hurt for me to look for other work. I’m really taking what Sovereignty said to heart. I think it’s time to move on, and to find work that I don’t feel uncomfortable with.
Thinking back on last night’s meditation/vision/dream, how I’ve described her makes me think of Diana. But I’m pretty sure she was introduced as Sovereignty. I need to ask him…
OH!!!! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, MUGGLE!!! This day last year we were handfasted before the Gods, family and friends in a beautiful ceremony in Victoria. One year, baby!!